Ow.

I tend to think of myself as an assertive sort of personality. You know, not afraid of conflict, etc, etc (stage fright notwithstanding).

Yet, certain forms of conflict affect me physically, to a ridiculous (and painful) extent.

The week before my wedding, my then best-friend and I had a terrible falling out. For various reasons, she refused to speak to me on the phone or in person. The end of our friendship was conducted entirely over email (ah, the modern age).

Anyway. The point is, the anxiety of waiting a day or more for the next email in the fight quite literally incapacitated me--general anxiety seemed to produce intense stomach pain, an inability to sleep, and the constant urge to vomit--which, after a few days, turned into actual vomiting and a fever.

I got a similar physical effect when another ex-friend recently got married. Oh, the drama. Long story, ends with me being uninvited and de-friended. Luckily, this friend at least answered their phone when I called to have it out with them, a calm resolution/decision was achieved, and the pain went away.

The latest gut-wrenching (literally, ew) conflict is also taking place entirely in writing. You see, I had the bad sense to dislike the work of a higher-ranking academic. In a published article. In a fairly big journal.

Well, said academic didn't like that much, and wrote the journal with their opinions on my character, racist leanings, and shoddy scholarship.

They're publishing her opinion. I get 700 words to rebut.


Annnnnd I'm right back to the horrible stomach pain, constant urge to vomit, and inability to sleep.


I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out WHY this is bothering me so intensely. I think it may have to do with some lasting issues left over from incident #1. You see, that ex-friend thought I had very little empathy, that my writing/communication was unclear and arrogant, and that I was generally a snotty sort of person. I'm still not entirely sure she was wrong. Certainly there were things in our friendship I could have done much, much better.

And the accusations being made in this (again, entirely written) fight are similarly personal, and again, I'm not sure they are incorrect. I do worry that I'm a shoddy academic, and I know that I am mildly dyslexic with spelling (I misspelled an important author's name in the review), and I know I can come across wrong to people.

But I worked on that little review, baby-step first publication for MONTHS. And then did the page proofs while I had the flu. If I couldn't get it right then, how am I ever going to get it right as an academic? If the only short piece I ever published on this topic I spent 4 years working on is crap, I just don't know if there's any bloody hope, damnit.

Yes, I know the above is wallowing. And I keep talking myself out of it. But my stomach still HURTS. And I don't know how to make it quit.

It doesn't help that this is coinciding with picking a committee for my diss. I'm terrified that no one thinks I'm good enough for their dicipline, that the little comments I get mean that "oh, well, it's fine you aren't so good in X, since you are obviously good in Y." Except I'm not really better at Y, which means I suck at both. Which means I'm screwed.

Lady, I just didn't like your book. I'm sorry, ok? I didn't not read it, I didn't not give it some careful thought. I just. didn't. like it. Now, mea culpa--I should perhaps have found a more tactful way to express my dislike, because the fact that I have little respect for your theoretical paradigm doesn't mean it isn't a valid choice. But really, did you have to whip out the ad hominem attacks and the "this stupid student" attacks?

Avast!

Hello.


I am alive, indeed, having been out in the Real World (tm) for some time, I am now returned.

Things that are on my mind and may or may not be blogged about soon:

1) yet another feminist blogosphere post on women and housekeeping, also entitled 'how the hell did a nice feminist girl wind up like this?'

2) gear review and trip report from Yosemite. That's Matterhorn Peak on the new header, fwiw.

3) Grilling. Me like fire. And mesquite. Mmmmm, mesquite.

4) what the fuck should we do about post-colonialism? Hell if I know.

5) Fasting or extreme diets (for "health reasons") as an unconscious psychological compensation for a certain kind of spirituality/religion.



--In other news, I'm almost done with the post-LA body image smackdown-fest of self hatred. It takes a few beers to knock the good sense back inta' me. Here's a PSA for you all--try not to be Friend B in this scenario:


Friend A: Holy Shit!
Friend B: What?
Friend A: I lost ten pounds! Damnit, I knew I wasn't eating enough--altitude sickness really DOES kill your appetite!
Friend B: Well, it's not as if you were super thin anyway, so why is that bad?


Gee, I don't know, maybe because when you're trying to hike 40 miles in four days, and the trail keeps petering out, it might be fucking good to have the energy those extra calories would have provided!

SephardiKitteh.

Biking and other windy pursuits...

A. and I went biking yesterday on the trail that runs by the river all the way out to Valley Forge. We've lived here on and off for more than five years now and had never made it out there, would you believe it!

In any case, the trail is a flat, pleasant ride with lots of greenery and cute pull-offs for a rest if needed. We went about 10 miles round trip, which was not enough to tucker me out but enough to remind me that the leg muscles used for biking are not the same as those used for, well, anything else. Burn, baby, burn.

A. is now trying to convince me that this trail would be a fun wintertime activity. To which I say, bah, humbug. However, I have agreed to try if the purchase of appropriate, women-specific winter biking clothing is made. I am going to try to get out more this winter as it may help the SAD--thus preventing my 4-6 weeks of mild depression every year.

In other news, yoga is rolling along well, although I really (shallowly) want some (Lululemon?) clothes that look yoga-specific so everyone will stop staring at me when I show up in my running/gym gear. Although, for all I know, they stare at me for some other reason, like not being twiglike or laughing when I fall down, which happens with some frequency when attempting arm balances. People keep suggesting I try AcroYoga, which sounds silly to me since a) I would have to touch strange, sweaty men, and b) if I fall on my ass in regular yoga, adding "acro" to that seems dubious at best.


Oh yeah, and I STILL HAVEN'T FINISHED MY FUCKING MASTERS. Let the self-hate begin. It simply must be finished by tomorrow night. It shall be done, damnit.

Rocksylvania.

Erm, yeah. Yeeeeeeah. They don't call the Pennsylvania AT "Rocksylvania" for nothing. I swear, I have climbed some tough shit, and I have never been so afraid of snapping an ankle if I took a wrong step--at least not while being simultaneously bored out of my mind and unable to find a campsite. It made Scarlettscion a very cranky panda right when this picture was taken, although the situation was improved with a piss and a Snickers.


Soooo--I think the problem is expectations. I'm a West Coast girl at heart, at least for outdoor adventure, and the East Coast is just not as spectacular or as sheerly desolate. It is, in fact, crowded enough that my axe murderer phobia kicked in while camping. On the other hand, it was July 4th weekend, so perhaps not always quite so crowded.

It's quite pretty, but in a very different way--all greenery, little flowers and mushrooms. Not so much in the way of sheer cliffs, canyons, or anything approaching a real mountain. Now, I think if I haul my ass up to Maine or NH there is some pretty spectacular schtuff to be had, but it IS quite a haul and worthy of a once or twice yearly trip at best. Although, I have always wanted to trek NH, ever since a guy I had a crush on randomly announced that if I were a book, I'd be Wuthering Heights, and if I were a state, I'd be New Hampshire. Heh.


The gear all performed well, although A. discovered that he is excellent bug bait and will require a stuff dose of DEET (ye-ah, someone who is better bug bait than I! *does happy dance*).

My ventures into working out also seem to have paid off, as the only soreness I can report from our weekend adventure was due to the above photo--i.e., the bones in my feet got cranky.

ouch.

My family cannot take my obsessing over exercise any more, so I'm obsessing to you, oh faceless Internetz.


I've settled on yoga for strength and running/biking for cardio--both as support systems for SCUBA and backbacking. Both have their little problems but in terms of results are working well.

Running/Hiking:

I run every third day, and I STILL feel it in my knees and ankles. Not severe pain, but stiff "cranky" pain that goes away as I warm up. I would vastly prefer trail running, but there aren't any trails nearby. Regardless, it beefs up my cardio ability like nobody's business, which is important for scuba and backpacking

I am using trail running *shoes* though, and I hope these have enough padding for the pavement. As soon as I finish this blasted thesis, I will make to the running store posthaste to inquire about insoles, which I may also acquire for my hiking booots.

Speaking of my hiking gear--my stars and garters, I had NO IDEA a pack could be so heavenly comfy. I dropped the cash on a Gregory Deva 60 and a Greogry Iris, and I couldn't be happier with them. They even have a pocket for my Camelbak! They don't sit at my belly button! Is made of win, this.

What I like but am a little fussy about are my boots. They are Vasque and have a healthy amount of mesh for air circulation. They are also the lightest boot I've ever owned, and I'm a little worried about their ankle support--I cannot stand just on the "edge" of the boot while on a sharply inclined rock (this will make sense to other hikers). OTOH, since they are so maneuverable, I am much less likely to fall on my ass while wearing them. So it's a tradeoff.

Yoga:

Oh, yoga. I'm a little icked out by the woo-woo co-opting Eastern Religion Soup, but there's not much help for it. I grew up with Actual Eastern Religion (tm) and am thus not totally confused by the meditating and chanting.

Oh wait, you want the exercise info?

Well, it is fucking HARD, at least when you are doing it 90 minutes a day, 5-6 days a week. As in oh-my-god, my leg is going to collapse from holding this pose while breathing slowly in and out hard. I am also re-training my body away from its bad habits which I formerly thought counted as "yoga."

For example, your muscles need to be flexed nearly constantly, even in something like Mountain or Staff Pose. You also have to watch for hyperextension of the back if you are naturally flexy.

It is not enough to rest on your joints and natural flexibility--if you are doing this every day, YOU WILL GET INJURED. As I have nearly done already--my wrists and elbows started aching fairly badly, and as I type this I am having to avoid typing with my double jointed ring finger. .

Thankfully there is a wonderful teacher at my studio who has similar double-jointed and naturally flexible issues who has been working with me on how to train myself out of this laziness. This means there I poses I could do before that are now much harder since I have to do them while resting on my upper arm strength rather than my elbow, but it will be better in the end.

The only depressing thing about yoga is that it can be cardiovascular, but not enough to really build ones ability to where I need it to be. I mean, I think it would be fine for average get-in-shape fitness (doing it 5-6 times a week, doing it once a week does shit), but for real, serious lung capacity you've got to run (or bike, swim, etc). I find running less scary than urban biking, so running it is for now.

Now, the muscle strength is obviously useful for my sports, but what is REALLY useful that I could not get from lifting is balance. Now, I have a relative knack for neutral buoyancy while diving. But the yoga is improving this by leaps and bounds, especially with the emphasis on how breath plays into balance. Not to mention the fact that breath control plus tiny muscle adjustments is the number one way to make small alterations to your vertical attitude in the water. Start hyperventilating deep in a wreck and you. will. die. Not that I go deep into wrecks, but the point holds.


In other news, all this exercising has, yes, "cut" me a bit, but I have lost zero weight, and I think I may have put on a few. Ironically, however, I broke out the tape measure, and for the first time in my life I have the "perfect" hourglass figure. I was always a "triangle" when more skinny--now I have that supposedly sought after bust and hips that are exactly ten inches larger than my waist. Hah.

various

3 men died in a toxic well in Queens today. I don't know if there is an element of exploitation here, but I suspect so. These men should have had Hazmat gear. If they didn't have the proper gear, they shouldn't have been hired. It looks like the father and son who died were Hasids from Brooklyn, and the third man was a man from El Salvador.

Ugh. What a terrible, terrible way to die. Even though these men were not illegals, it makes me wonder how many illegal immigrants are horribly injured or die when U.S. companies hire them and then use their legal status as a reason to slide out of health laws and back to an era of worker safety circa The Jungle.


In much more frivolous news, I need to be better about eating breakfast. I have a tendency to forget or eat light in the morning, and then gorge at lunch and not eat dinner at all. Wouldn't be such an issue, except lunch makes me feel kind of uncomfortably full. Engorged, even. Like that python who swallows a car in Le Petit Prince. For example, today in the annals of Scarlettscion's diet, we had:

Some milk and some raw ginger.
Many hours later (incl two hours or so of exercise):
A LOT of French fries, a beer and a half, and a 6-inch sandwich containing pickles, mayo, fried breaded Oyster onions, and tomatoes.
Followed by----

Um, some black coffee. And an orange. At midnight. *looks embarrassed*